How many times have you looked into the mirror and hated what you saw? Oh, I do it every day, too. Why, though? Why do we hate ourselves but encourage others to love those fine lines and wrinkles? Why do we tell others they look beautiful but never seem to see the beauty in ourselves? Gosh, I wish I had the answer to that. I wish I knew why we are our own worst critic. The things we love and admire in others are the things we seem to dislike most about ourselves. Here are a few things I am going to learn to love about myself in the New Year.
My Heart
The past few years have been horrific. I have given second, third and fourth chances to people that should never have had any. Why did I do that? My heart. I was brought up in a world that taught me to love other people no matter what. I was taught to give of myself to help others be happy. Is that right or wrong? I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve kicked myself recently for not following my heart. You see, I have a heart of gold. I want to see the good in others. I will forever be the girl stopping at the intersection to give change. I will forever be the girl volunteering at the homeless shelter because I believe everyone deserves another chance. I will forever be the girl that will see others hurting and offer a hug. I will, from this point forward, follow my heart.
My Smile
When I was a little girl, I had buck teeth and my two front teeth had a gap. I never knew anything was wrong with my smile until my stepbrother told me I looked like a chipmunk. Growing up my smile always made me self-conscious. You see, I have rabbit teeth. A big ol’ smile with big ol’ teeth. You literally can't miss it. I’m so self-conscious about it. When going through fertility treatment years ago, the medication damaged my teeth. I have these weird white marks and I hate it. I want veneers to cover it and I plan on getting those this year. But something about the imperfections in my smile make me love it. My mom worked hard to pay for my braces in middle school. I went through a lot with my body and those white marks are just a symbolic token of that. So, I’m going to continue to smile my best smile and pray that it helps cheer someone up.
My Body
Ugh! My weight has always been heavy on my mind. How do I eat for my body type? How many carbohydrates and calories does my body need? I love sweets! I love food and I love cooking. I want to look good in the clothes I wear, for myself- not anyone else. I want to feel good about ME on the outside. My body has been through alot- T1D, autoimmune disorders, and fertility issues. Also, stress. I never knew how badly stress impacted a body until I watched the changes in mine. I want to be healthy. I also want a dump truck booty that matches my dazzling personality.
My Brain
School was never difficult for me. I could remember facts and details easily. I loved to read and learn new things. I should have been proud of that. However, I remember early in middle school I would pretend not to know the answers, so I wasn’t a “know it all”. I dumbed myself down for other people. Why? Well, as adults it's easy to answer because we now have the emotional maturity to understand kids are cruel. However, when we were those kids, it was a bit more difficult. I just wanted to fit in. I wanted to not be the girl that stood out. However, I will forever be upset about the 5th grade spelling bee. The kiddo that beat me, cheated. A girl sitting in her seat was telling him how to spell the word. The teacher knew it and said nothing. Ugh. Oh well, maybe in the future I will get over that but not anytime soon.
Trying to love myself a little bit at a time is all that I can do. How can anyone love me if I don’t know how to love me? So, bit by bit and piece by piece I will. I do love myself. I am actually pretty amazing. I know what I am worth, and I know that I can accomplish anything I want. Trouble is that those little doubts get in there sometimes. I’m squishing those- just watch.
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