There is a song I love by Zach Bryan titled, “Sun to Me”. A verse in the song says, “Find someone who grows flowers in the darkest part of you. Take heed when things get hard and don't ever turn around, you’ll find someone someday somewhere that grows you to the clouds”. The moment I heard those lyrics I was driving on I-85 in Charlotte. For a brief minute, I forgot everything around me and teared up. How amazing is it to hope and pray for something so wonderful? Someone to see all the dark parts of me and want to invest in me. That’s something I’ve never before had. It’s something I have craved with every fiber of my being.
You see, someone recently asked me if I had ever been in love. At first, I said sure. I mean I am in love with my children and being their mom. I thought I was with my marriage. However, when the conversation ended, I couldn’t help but wonder a bit more. Had I? You know, ever been in love? In love with a significant other?
I am a firm believer that love is freely given. You do not get to pick who your heart loves, that is what your head is for. I’ve seen a few folks go through life trying to force a relationship that wasn’t good for either of them. I’ve seen relationships turn toxic because of the “games” that were being played. I’ve driven around town helping friends search for their “person” more times than I care to count. In those moments, love isn’t free. The idea of love is costing my friends so much more than they even realize but most importantly it is costing them their peace. You see, I want a love that is slow and steady. I want a love that is free. I used to think that there was something romantic about fighting for someone. About winning them back, eventual happiness. I have come to the realization that there is nothing lovely about having to continuously convince someone to love you. You see, I won’t beg for attention, and I certainly will not compete for it. Free. Love doesn't control, manipulate, or bind. It requires no sacrifice and has no expectations. The love I am looking for will be free of worry and fear.
At the end of the day, all we want is someone to choose us. They will keep on choosing us even at our worst. We all go through rough times. Have you ever gone through a difficult time and feel like you are completely alone even if you are in a relationship? That’s not love. I went through one of the most difficult times in my entire life and struggled daily, he never even had a clue. I don't blame him. He didn’t recognize the signs of my sadness or how I pulled away. He didn’t recognize that I was no longer laughing or smiling. Shouldn’t your “person” know? Shouldn’t I have felt comfortable enough to share my deepest thoughts? I didn’t for the fear of being judged. Being in a relationship and feeling lonelier than what I do as a single woman isn’t love. I want a love that I wake up at 3:23 AM to talk to my person. I want to know everything about them, and I want them to know everything about me, even the ugly. You see, there shouldn't be secrets and there shouldn’t be feelings of loneliness. I know that loving me isn’t easy. I am a hot mess but I’m content with who I am. On the outside I am certainly an aging woman but on the inside my heart is pure and filled with so much love to give.
You see, I am looking for the one I thought I would never find. He will be the one that steps up in every place the last man stepped aside. He will be the rock that never crumbles. He will be the ear that can never hear enough of what I have to say. He will be my teacher, my best friend, and number one fan. He will be the one that climbs the walls I have around my heart so he can guard it himself. Most of all, he will be the one that changes the perspective I have about every man I ‘ve ever met in my entire life.
I’m sitting on the couch, laptop in hand, dressed for my Mom’s annual Christmas lunch. At this moment, I crave for my person to be here with me. I want to be getting ready and he brings me a cup of coffee (and knows how I like it). I want my person to want to be with me. You see as a little girl I used to dream about what it would be like to be married. My first marriage was nothing like I dreamed it would be and I will never be in a relationship like that again. In my dreams, my person would be proud of me, speak kind words to me and about me, and want to build their life with me by their side. I dreamed it would be nights of having a glass of wine together when the kids went to bed and laughed about our day. I dreamed it would be "shit talking" about the world around us. Mostly though, I dreamed it would be peaceful. I would be assured that when we weren’t together, I wouldn’t have to think about another woman turning his head or him having to plan a trip just to get away from me. I read something recently about Ghandi. If you know me, you know I'll probably skip a few details in telling the story because I probably forgot. Anyway, a woman told Ghandi she loved him. He said something like, "You should love my brother. He's behind me and much more handsome and successful." The woman looked back. Ghandi told her that if she really loved him she would never have looked back. Wow.
You see, I’m looking for someone to grow flowers in the darkest parts of me. Aren't we all?
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